But I Love Me More

MOTHER’S DAY

Ms.Nova — Sun, 13 May 2012 19:49:29 +0000

“A mother understands what a child does not say.”

Happy Mother’s Day!

(Diane Catherine Dutchuk. age: 27. Me. age: 2. Edmonton, Alberta Canada.)

To the expectant, hopeful, and terrified, to the sleep-deprived, worried sick and madly-in-love Mothers.

To those who stand alone, having buried their own. To those who grieve and long to hear the words ‘Mom’.

Today, we (finally) say ‘Thank You.’

Daughters – love her the best way you know how. Sons, you do the same.

I loved this video (below). The tone of the conversation was honest, candid and from the heart, without being hurtful.

Talk to her. Ask her about her life as a girl and a young woman. Who was she before the title of MOM? Talks like these allow an opportunity to heal while setting an incredible example for our younger girls. Would you do this with your Mother?

Red Table Talks: Jada Pinkett-Smith, Willow Smith Talk Love, Family * refresh if it does not load*

GO LEFT

Ms.Nova — Mon, 07 May 2012 06:51:01 +0000

“when nothing goes right, go left.”

captured a block from my house on a sunny Sunday afternoon.

the signs are everywhere.

stop texting for 9 seconds and take a look UP and around.

: )

ISSA RAE

Ms.Nova — Mon, 07 May 2012 06:30:07 +0000

Sometimes being awkward has its rewards. Just ask Issa Rae, the comedic genius behind the breakout YouTube series “The Misadventures of Awkward Black Girl” (AWB).

As of this writing, the Senegalese-American director is also a writer, actor, and producer who continues to add to her impressive credits. Rae loved quirky sitcoms like “Seinfeld,” “The Office,” and “Curb Your Enthusiasm” because they reflected her own experiences of being ill at ease in her work and social life. The only problem was, none of the characters resembled her at all. So, she decided to do something about it. Armed with a video camera and a friend she trained to shoot her first episode, Rae uploaded AWB to YouTube and an online star—and award-winning web series—was born.

When asked where she got the motivation to create the series, Rae points to the sixth grade. “It was a weird transitional period, where I hadn’t been around many Black people. It was jarring to be berated for ‘acting White’ when I was placed in a predominantly Black middle school in Southern California. I was also chubby, into boys who weren’t into me, and tried too hard to fit into this ‘blackness’ I was supposed to be.” To her surprise, Rae discovered hundreds of thousands of fans from all backgrounds could connect to her story, too.

AWB has garnered the film school grad several prestigious awards and interviews on the media and speaking circuit, where she encourages aspiring artists to create their own projects, too. She also acknowledges the power of putting great content on the internet to create the following and industry connections she couldn’t have dreamed up on her best day. Rae continues to apply her creative genius to a host of additional web-based projects, media appearances, a TV sitcom, and anything else she chooses. “I’m in control of my work and it will all come back to me in a way I want it to. I’m a very positive thinker.”

SHADEISM

Ms.Nova — Mon, 07 May 2012 06:00:26 +0000

“She’s pretty for a dark-skin girl.”

“Oh she thinks she’s cute because she’s light-skinned.”

Does any of this sound familiar? If not, fantastic. You’ve managed to escape Shadeism; a toxic fragment of slavery and global colonialism that has ‘effed’ with perceptions of beauty for people of color for, oh, ever.

In short, people from Sri Lanka to Senegal to South America were colonized by white Europeans (you may have heard about this.) The Euro’s were in power. Power determined what was beautiful. Beautiful was determined by how much you favored the beholder of that beauty even though the beholder came from another part of the world and was the minority in a society where beauty standards and practices had long been established. Bossy colonizers…

Fast forward 500 years and this ass backwards theory remains an issue. Personally, I’ve been prejudged by men and women as someone who is conceited, a snob, promiscuous, intimidating, shallow, weak, or that obstacles melt in my path because I’m a lighter shade of brown. It’s a real treat to have to grapple with being mixed raced woman of color and then, just to make it interesting, I have to worry about what shade color I am.

This phenomenon is world wide, in the media and deep in our psyche. We all wrestle with beauty standards but this issue of Shadeism, it just has to stop. We get where it comes from, and why, and yet it continues to infect a young, very young, generation of girls.

Below is an interesting documentary created by 5 friends who take the issue of Shadeism further by exploring the effects on women as young as four years old.

This is worth the watch – Do share your experiences, and comments below. (I know you have some!!)

CRUSH CLARITY

Ms.Nova — Wed, 25 Apr 2012 08:05:00 +0000

c’mon … he was the hottest of the New Kid. (NKOTB if you’re down!)

Do you remember your first crush? The forbidden fruit you wanted but couldn’t have? He was untouchable, flawless, and so far out of your league. He was a sweat inducing and self-esteem smothering quagmire and you (I mean me) hated yourself for being so stupid to even want him.

When I worked in “the biz”, there were chances-o-plenty to cross that teeny, tiny, thin line from fantasy into reality and ‘get to know’ men I’d seen on television. But my job meant more and I politely declined some very aggressive offers. Once (ok twice) I physically stopped breathing when I met my superstar supercrush.

Far from the starstruck type, it was a strange phenomenon to be introduced to someone I knew an unhealthy amount about. “Gemini, May 26, loves purple, Born in Augusta, GA and loves to play pool.” Reality hit when I heard his voice (ohmygod hesaidmyname) and shook his hand (ohmygod hetouchedme). When the blood returned to my upper regions, I quickly realized how much more fun the fantasy was. See, fantasy man wasn’t so bright and after a few minutes, it became paaaainful to be in his company.

Fantasy Schmantasy.

Crushes are good fun, but no matter what, its crucial not allow lust to direct your choices. When that happens, you might start to rationalize rude behavior, brush off disagreements over basic values, laugh at jokes that aren’t funny, eat things you don’t really like – all to make him happy of course – and before you know it, you’ve morphed into what you think he likes because you think you like him when it’s just the idea of him that you like.

Been there, done that, bought the thermos, keychain and the t-shirt.

The dating process is much more fun when we make it about us – in the sense of taking the good, bad and gorgeous of our dating life and piecing together a clear picture of what we want and don’t want in a partner. You might not have found Mr. Right but I’m sure you have a clear sense of what you DON’T WANT. Keep looking for what your date teaches you about yourself, and get clear on those non-negotiables. Crushes are fun, but don’t point all your romantic goddess energy in one direction. Stay open and available and you’ll become clearer on what you DO want.

Below – a clip of the 80′s classic Teen Witch. Our girl magically gathers some nerve and steps to her crush.

WORK ISN’T WORKING

Ms.Nova — Thu, 19 Apr 2012 05:22:52 +0000

When the economy went haywire, I prayed and begged for stability at work. I walked away from the small business I was launching (a styling and closet organizing service) to get a 9-5 in a busy boutique marketing firm. Now my hours are 9 a.m to 7:30 p.m on an average day, with lunch eaten at my desk, and constantly checking weekend and late night emails.

Since working here, I’ve gained 15 pounds and get migraines from staring at the computer for 10+ hours a day. I try to be grateful, and I am learning skills that I can apply to my own company, but I’m afraid that the longer I’m here, the deeper I’ll be entrenched and the harder it will be to leave.

Do I shut up and take a check? After all I DID pray for stability ….

Have a similar situation? Comments? Let us know below!!

Darling Nicky gives it to you straight!

WORK > SEX

Ms.Nova — Thu, 19 Apr 2012 05:10:53 +0000

His work is killing our sex life.

He travels 75% of the time . When he is home, he’s exhausted and I feel awful asking him to, er, perform but I’m dying here!! We’ve been married a year and this is not how I pictured our lives together. My man loves me and is super affectionate and I know he hates being away so often and is searching for a new position, but until then … how do I keep us both satisfied and bonded when we are always apart?!?

Have a similar situation? Comments? Let us know below!

Darling Nicky gives it to you straight!

I WORK TO AVOID HIM

Ms.Nova — Thu, 19 Apr 2012 04:58:26 +0000

My job might ruin my life but let me start by saying I LOVE MY JOB. I actually work in the field I went to school for with fantastic people, a gorgeous office and I’m well respected by my peers. love it love it love it. What’s the problem? My personal life pays the price.

I’ve been married for 2 years (together for 7) and my pattern has been whenever an issue flares up at home, I run to work … and stay there. I’ll stay at the office until 11p.m which cuts down on any bonding time (and forget sex…I mean I forget what it feels like. lol…)

Did I mention that I make more then him and he’s ‘in between jobs’ right now? That’s another issue we both dance around. At the core, we’ve grown apart and I’m tired of having to solve ALL the problems. What I need to know is, am I truly a workaholic or am I just avoiding the real work that is repairing my marriage?

Have a similar situation? Comments? Let us know below!

Darling Nicky gives it to you straight!